so jk on that last post


sorry i got all emo on the end there


things are.. acceptable


i dunno, its weird, im really happy with mark and life is great...


...but then when im not with him i remember things like hey! he has a wife! and she's a bitch! and she'll fucking kill me if she finds out!

ugh.


so i dunno.. things are mostly good i guess

but i gots a sore throat

blah

whateve

thats about all thats new...

not very exciting..sorry..

love love love

<3

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!!!!!


so um.


yeah.


ok. lets start at the beginning of tonights drama.


so i hung out with mark around from like 1:30-3:30 and was late to play pratice that started at 3. whateve. i don't care


everything is fine until around 9


then i decide to go get dinner and rainie says she'll go with me

so we jump into my car and head for jack in the box

and all the way there i discover that she indeed does know who mark is

because mark told his best friend chris, who told his girlfriend brooke who told rainie.

fuck.

so i talk to mark later on and tell him.

blah blah blah.

turns out chris didn't really tell brooke, rainie dooped us.

which is my fault.

fuck.

so whateve.

and then i call chris to just talk to him about the whole me and mark thing just go get his opinion.

which turns into a guilt trip.

and now i feel like shit.

but he said to follow my heart.

fuck that.

im going to end up turning mark's world upside down

and fucking a lot of people over.

and im not worth that.

i think im gonna have to end things.

which, im not going to lie, just typing that makes my heart break.

and starts the fucking tears flowing again.

fuck.

how do i get myself into these messes?

as promised, an update because, i did indeed, receive "the phone call"


but first im just gunna fill you in on life

oh and fyi i havent gotten a decent night's rest since tuesday night, apparently that would be a crime. bastards.

i belive we left off on wednesday?

WEDNESDAY

-went to bed at 5 that morning, woke up at 8 from a phone call from my dad. he found my cigs. shit. totally lied and got out of it, and actually ended up making HIM feel guilty about it. yup. im that good first thing in the morning. then i couldn't fall back asleep. lamesauces.

-had rehearsal at noon, it was a 12 hour rehearsal. everyone wanted to talk about the night before, i wanted to curl up into a ball and sleep. played apples to apples which is the best. game. ever. i totally won. multiple times. yessss

-around 7 i completely lost my shit and became an absolute emotional wreck. sat in my car for the hour and a half break and cried and drove around aimlessly and smoked 3 cigs. and burnt my hand. ouch.

THURSDAY

-breea spent the night and we egged cars. stayed up late, had lots of fun, giggled entirely too much and took adorable pictures. we're so terribly clever. OH and not really egged cars, we had post-it notes that said egg on them that we put on cars. we hit chris, carly, joseph, aj and mark.

Friday

-mock trial in riverside. boring.

-hung out with mark. just layed on the floor of an office building talking and cuddling. wonderful.

-went to a sleepover. with a bunch of girls from the cast. we attempted a prank on the boys that we failed miserably. MISERABLY. but it was fun. and i got to see mark AND ryan! woo...

-went back to the house after invading the boys apartment, after 2 of my friends left it was me, sarah(mark's sister whom i get along with), laura (mark's wife who basically hates me although to her knowledge she had no reason to), amanda(who likes ryan) and katie. and it became attack bri. and i was not pleased. good thing i got tough skin

-laura proceeded to bitch me out for talking to her husband so much, rightfully so until she went off on a tangent about how she thinks any woman who talks on the phone is trying to steal her husband. which you know, i already have but whateve, she doesn't know that and i didn't exactly plan it, its not like i intended for all this to happen.

-then laura asked what was going on between me and ryan. right. in. front. of. amanda. swear to god if i had a gun i woulda shot her right then and there. i said i didn't know and that we were just really good friends. laura said she just wanted to see all of her boys married off. to which i snorted and replied then you've got the wrong gal cuz im never getting married. which then proceeded to everyone but sarah telling me how wrong it is that i don't want to get married. like its my fucking duty or something. but at that point it was about 3 in the morning and the filter that keeps all the bitchy things i think from coming out of my mouth was long gone so i kept my mouth shut and didn't tell her that i didn't want to get married just to have it fail like hers did.

-she went to bed and things got better. jeff, sarahs hubby joined us and him, amanda, katie and i all stayed up and watched the sunrise around 7. sarah fell asleep tho. it was good times.

SATURDAY

-ajs suprise birthday party, he was suprised, it was mostly good times

-until mike and i got into a huge fight. after i leave for college im basically severing all ties and he's not so happy about it. he takes it personally and its not just him, im doing it with everyone. and its not like i wont talk to him once in a while, just not every night like i do now. lots of yelling, lots of tears, lots of no beuno, so i left the party early

SUNDAY

- practice at 5, nothing eventful, got my picture taken

-left practice early to go to a movie shoot for a film im gunna be in. nothing like huge, its and independent WAY low budget. but the guy making it is a good friend of mine and he's friggin brilliant. i'm excited. i get to be a bum. and im damn cute as one if i do say so myself

-shit hit the fan because amanda FINALLY found out about me and ryan. and she was all upset. but i pretended to care and now things are better between us. woo.

MONDAY

-this is entirely too long, im sorry

- first day back at school, blah blah blah, major suckfest

-practice tonight, saw mark *sigh of happiness* oh, and ryan was there too. whateve

-the phone call: what you've been waiting for i know. his plan is to start working his ass off. save money, get a place of his own, move out. come visit me at college whenever he can, pay to have me come down and visit, whatever. i love him. so goddamn much. the best part? when he leaves his current situation, he doesn't want to involve me, at all. won't bring me into it, not going to drag me through it too. and the weird thing is i want to, i want to stand by his side and take all the crap he's going to get. but if people knew that there was more to it, that i was involved, then it'd just make things messier. so i guess its better. but hot damn is he wonderful for wanting to protect me. i love him. so much. and it terrifies me. and i love it.


so thats my life! yay! lemme know if you want more details on any of this, i kinda skimmed over things to keep it as short as possible

<3

another new update so soon? fucking amazing!


i know right?


so the reason for this is because tonight has been way fucking eventful and i wanna remember as much of it as i can. shit went down!

stuff that happened. again with the lists cuz its easier.

1.erika's parents were out of town=party!

2.not all people who showed up were informed we were there to get smashed and were quite uncomforable

3. banna had about the equivilent of 1 and a half glasses of vodka mixed into drinks and such (when i say glasses i mean those plastic red cups)

4. all the other kids who did not have NEARLY as much as me totally could not hold their shit together like holy shit. fucking ridiculous

5. rainie, aj, mychal, erika, jill, nikki and jen all cried to me at some point during the night

6. i took better care of the drunk people than the sober people did while i was somewhere between drunk and buzzed. prolly more towards the drunk side

7. before the night went down the shitter mark stopped by on his way home. and we had a fantastic conversation about how "i love you. and for the first time i can actually feel the love, like inside my heart, making it feel all overgrown, in a good way. and how when i usually say it i mean it and all but its like im actually letting myself feel the love. i fucking love you...do you know how GOOD it feels to say that?!?" yeah. im fucking corny when im drunk. and yes, i even admitted that too. so now that i've totally just let the fucking gushy dam break, we shared some amazing kisses in his car. mmmm

8. rainie and mychal exchanged multiple kisses. problem? mychal's dating erika. oh, and erika is rain's best friend. and they also did it right in front of her. yup.

9. mychal lost his shit broke down crying was inconsolable and couldn't walk so we kept him in erika's room trying to calm him down while erika tried to hold her shit together enough to take care of him. she wasn't drinking, i feel awful for her, she had the worst night ever.

10. i took rain skinny dipping hoping the water would sober her up a bit and it also got her out of erika's hair and provided entertainment for the boys. whatever.

11. mychal wanted to talk to me so i went up and tried to calm him down. he was shaking all over and he was bawling. said he didn't feel good and he hated feeling like this (drunk) i kept making him take deep breaths and put blankets on him to keep him warm and a cold wash cloth on his head because it was burning up even tho he kept saying he was cold. i brought up funny memories which calmed him down a lot

12. aj and i got into it. after helping mychal i came downstairs and said to him this kids should not be drinking. they can't hold their liquor and they're totally losing their shit. his response? like you have any room to talk. umm last i checked i wasn't making out with my best friends boyfriend, i can still walk in a straight line and im not upstairs sobbing hysterically. i think im a bit better off

13. after one of my coworkers got dragged into the mess i basically bitched everyone out at the party except erika because she really did nothing wrong and i left around 11:30 (party started at 5)

14. went to visit coworkers and gave them the 411 on what happened

15. went home, talked online for a bit got invited to go out with coworkers because they'd just been with very drunk rainie whom one of them(andrew) was mad at so i snuck out and they came and picked me up around 2

16. we just sat in kevin's truck and talked until 4:30. kevin trying to get me to have sex with him the entire time. funny cuz andrew doesn't know we have sex. waited till we dropped andrew back off at his car and then we went at it. best with him yet. definate score

17. its now 5 in the morning. i have to spend a 12 hour rehearsal with all the people i was with tonight basically. this is gonna suck. fuck this shit

18. im in a suprisingly good mood.. wtf?


<3

new years resolution my ass


i don't reallly have any this year..


meh.


so things are... fantastic. ha. no other way to describe them lately. im ridiculously head over heels in love. but i. unlike betty. will not gush. just know im increadably happy when im with him and im stopping there. no gushy. promise.


sooo update on banna's life (in list form just for betty)


1.been seeing mark about everyday. i love him. oh shit did i already mention that? my bad, just making sure you get the picture

2. got PLASTERED on friday night. PLASTERED. got up to 8 shots of vodka that i remember and apparently i had a shot of tequila somewhere down the line too? i dont really remember it...best part, absolutely NO hangover the next morning, went to bed around 5 got up at 9 perfectly fine and perfectly sober. gotta love irish blood.

3. left a really embarrassing voice mail on marks phone that goes on for (no joke) 3 minutes. me telling him i love him SO MUCH and i just don't know what i'd do without him. shit. was kinda hoping i'd not be so lame. but on the plus side he thought it was cute. said it made him smile that i was so passionate about it. sorry, the gushing is leaking again.

4.called ryan (mark's best friend whom i'm dating) 5 to 6 times informing him that i was. in fact. very very drunk. in fact i told him so many times that after the 5th time he got out a piece of paper and made a tally mark for everytime i told him. total score? 28. and each phone call lasted about 2 minutes. thats roughly me telling him i was drunk 3 times every minute. yup.

5.made many MANY other drunken phone calls. anyone else seeing a pattern here? i think we should take my phone away from me...yes? at least i kept my clothes on.

6. amazing sex saturday night. in a office building, part of the time on the desk where he works. come on now, i don't care if that's tmi, thats hot and you know it. and it was fantastic. only downfall would be the rugburns..

7. party at my house on new years wasn't a total bust, actually enjoyed myself a lot, got lots of kisses on new years. although none from the one person i really wanted one from but hey, thats what happens when you fall in love with a married man. you learn to deal with shit. he said he'd rather be kissing me so thats enough for me. agh the gushing..i apologize

8. i love him. and i kinda hate that i do. but at the same time...i wouldn't trade it for the world...does that make me crazy?

9. speaking of crazy i talked to mikhail. while drunk, of course. and then again while sober to clarify what we talked about when i was drunk. apparently i told him i was afraid i was crazy too. super. was actually a good conversation until he started talking about wanting to get back together. again. then it went down hill...go figure. ended with him bitterly hanging up and me sighing in frusteration. and yet.. i really just don't give a shit.

10. uhh.. i love betty. cuz um.. i can't think of anything else new with me but i feel like making the list a clean ten. yeah. im OCD too, i shoulda warned you


happy new years. here's to 2007, hopefully another kickass crazy year. i can't wait

<3